Give us your jokes!

[renbergs]

From a wife's diary:

Dear diary! This morning I came out of the shower and took place beside my husband in front of the mirror. As usual I looked upon myself and couldn't help complaining about my small breasts.

Usually my husband comforts me and tell me that they're not small at all. Today he didn't! Instead he very unexpectedly gave me a practical suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to get bigger, take a piece of toiletpaper and rub between them for a couple of seconds every day.

Almost stunned, but curious enough to try it, I get a piece of toiletpaper, place myself in front of the mirror again and start rubbing.

- How long will it take? I ask my husband.

- It'll take a few years, then they'll get bigger! he answers confident.

I stop rubbing.
- Do you really believe that if I rub toiletpaper between my breasts for some years, that they'll get bigger???

Without hesitation he answers:
- It worked on your ass, didn't it?

Dear diary, the doctors say that he'll survive and that he'll probably be able to walk again. However it is fortunate the we have no plans for more children.

Good night, diary.

[renbergs]

A little background on this one! In Sweden we love to tell stories about how stupid Norwegians are. In Norway they love to tell stories about how stupid we Swedes are.

Here we go!

A Swede sits at a café having breakfast. Beside him there's a Norwegian frenetically chewing on a chewing gum.

- Do you Swedes eat all of the bread? asks the Norwegian

- Yes of course we do, replies the Swede a bit confused.

The Norwegian plays with the gum in his mouth and says:
-We don't! In Norway we only eat the soft part of the bread. The end crusts we collect in containers, re-bake and sell as croissants to Sweden.

The Norwegian goes on:
-Do you have marmelade to your bread as well?

The Swede is now slightly irritated:
-Yes of course!

While the Norwegian loudly chews on his gum he says:
-In Norway we only eat fresh fruit for breakfast. What's left of it, we collect in containers, make marmelade out of it and sell to Sweden.

Now the Swede asks:
-Tell me, do you have sex in Norway?

The Norwegian smiles and answers:
-Well, of course we have sex!

The Swede leans over the table and asks:
-What do you do with your condoms when you've used them?

-We throw them away, of course! replies the Norwegian

-Aah, in Sweden we don't, smiles the Swede, we collect all used condoms in containers, melt them down, re-make them to chewing gum and sell it to Norway!

[renbergs]

The last one for today

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?' he asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'



***Long Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?

[Raven Rider]

hehehehe.

Here's some i found in a magazine.
Far from the best english.

She: Am i the first lover you ever had?
He: Hmm, possible, was you on Kreta in 1996?

The young man asked the professor about the difference between time and eternity.
Well, says the professor, it will take time for me to explain and an eternity for you to understand.

She said: If you're going to joke about my weight all the time, why don't you just say i'm 125 kilos.
He said: And not 1 8's of a ton?

The boss took his lover to a restaurant, and asked the waiter if there was some kind of surprises tonight.
Well, the waiter said, your wife behind you.

Sinful thoughts.
A farmer had a wonderful cow, which had won all the trophies in the world.
So he decided to put the cow into breeding.
He visited a female farmer, a very sexy woman, which owned a bull, which also had won all the trophies.
The farmers placed the cow and bull together.
Not long after the the bull was all over the cow.
Witnessed by their owners.
The female farmer noticed that the other farmer was a little horny, then the male farmer said:
-I would like to do that to.
Then she said: Well, do as you wish, it's your cow.

[Ray Rules]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Loved, loved!!!

Renbergs, you always make my day with your jokes!

[Raven Rider]

Another one:
The sexy teacher was teaching in christianity.
One day she bends down to pick up a swamp.
Little Per on first row lights up in a big smile and said:
-I can see your feet up to the knees.
The teacher said:
-You should be ashamed of yourself, you are suspended for 3 days, now go.

A few weeks later, the same teacher, teaching the same class, stretched out to point at something.
Again, little Per, with shining eyes said:
-I CAN SEE YOUR LEGS
The teacher said:
-Don't you have shame? You are now suspended for 3 weeks.

One month later:
Same teacher, was stretching up to pull down a map.
The map was stuck, so she had to climb up on a chair.
Per immediatley packed his things and started walking out the door.
The teacher said:
-Per, where are you going?
Per said:
-Now i definately can start the summers vacation.

[Raven Rider]

What a woman says:
This room is a mess, come on
Time for cleaning, yes, we two
All your things are on the floor
And you don't want to be without clothes
We have to get them in the laundry machine, right now

What a man hears:
Bla-bla-bla-bla-come on
Bla-bla-bla-bla-we two
Bla-bla-bla-bla-on the floor
Bla-bla-bla-bla-without clothes
Bla-bla-bla-bla-right now

[Just me]

A woman loved her husband but hated her father-in-law. His house burned down and he had to move in with the couple.

The woman came home and found her in-law on the floor, called medics and he was taken to the hospital. She waited several hours and the Dr finally came to speak to her:

Dr: "You want the good or bad news"

woman: "Give me the bad"

Dr: "He had a stroke but will live another 20 years with some problems"

woman: "What problems ?"

Dr: "He'll always talk in a loud horrible scream when he talks. You'll have to hand feed him for 20 years as his hands don't work. And he has no bladeer or bowel control so you'll be changing diapers for 20 years."

woman: "Oh this totally SUCKS, what's the good news "

Dr "The good news is I was just kidding. He died"

[Ray Rules]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

--

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[MarcStitz]

^^^LOL

[Raven Rider]

nice jokes, Ray.

[Raven Rider]

Top of confusion?
Place a hungry baby in a topless-bar.

[Ray Rules]

[DiosSword]

Why don't dumb blonds like having PMS?
They can't spell it.

What does a dumb blond say after sex?
"Are you guys all on the same team?"

[BloodshtBass]

There's a man working at a shoe store. One day a very attractive woman comes in and asks him to help with shoes. While doing so, he notices she is not wearing anything underneath her skirt. Finally he yells "Ma'am I wanna eat you out like a bowl of ice cream." The woman, horrified, runs back home.

The woman comes up to her husband yelling "Honey, a shoe store clerk just said he was gonna eat me out like a bowl of ice cream! Are you gonna do something?"

"No," says the husband.
"WHAT?! WHY?" yells the woman.

"Three reasons: one, you already have enough shoes. Two, you should have been wearing panties. And three....I don't wanna meet the guy that could eat that much ice cream!"

[Raven Rider]

HAHAHA

[Raven Rider]

A female norwegian student was studying in england.
She had to (try) to interview a insane at the mental hospital.
So she drove to the nearest MH (Mental Hospital).
With her almost perfect english, she asked if she could interview one of the madmans, which she got permission to do.
So she walked down the corridors.
She found a door she could try, opened it and saw a man who was sitting on the bed pretending to be driving a car.
She asked:
-What are you doing?
Then he said, can't you see?
I'm Richard Petty, best NASCAR racer of all time.
She thought he was a little to insane, so she walked to the next door.
Opened and saw a man pretending to be writing on the wall.
Again she asked;
-What are you doing?
He said:
-Can't you see? I'm Albert Einstein, the smartest person on earth, i'm writing down some theories.
Again she thought it was to insane.
On to the next door.
Inside there she saw a naked man lying on the bed, with erection.
He had also place a nut on the top of the so called "thing".
This time, she screams:
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
He said:
-Can't you see? I'm fucking nuts, and there's nothing you can do about it.

[WarningRules]

Without trying to offend anyone, i'll attempt a joke i heard a while ago:

A blonde woman in a car cut off a man, who then swerved off the road, hitting a stop sign. Furious, the man got out of his car, and started to yell at the woman. Realizing that the woman wasn't very smart, she told her to stand on top of a manwhole covor, and then took a key, and scratched her car. When the man looked back at the woman, she started to laugh. Confused and frustrated, the man went back and cut the leather seats out of the womans car. When he looked back this time, the woman really started to crack up. So, the man was really getting annoyed. He took a baseball bat and smashed all the windows out of the owmans car. This time, when he looked back, the woman was laughing histarically. The man asked "I just destroyed your car! why are you laughing?"

The woman, still laughing, said "When you turned your back, i stepped off of the manwhole cover!"

[Raven Rider]

hahaha

[MRM45]

Being of Irish descent, I love jokes about the irish being drunk, fighting, etc. No offense intended with these:

**Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

**An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[MRM45]

**Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery . . ."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

**Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun’".

**A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

[Ray Rules]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
----

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

--

This redneck cowboy from the South of Brazil, a "gaucho", was standing at the bar with a guy from central Brazil, from Minas Gerais State.

" Down South we are men, real men, 100% men!"

" Mmmm," goes the guy from Minas, "interesting…. Well in my neck of the woods we are 50% men and 50% women, and we really like it that way!"

[MRM45]

"Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

LOL!!!

[BloodshtBass]

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One of them is drunk. The drunk guy turns to the other guy and says, "I slept with your mom!"

The sober guy just says, "Yeah whatever..." as if it doesn't matter.

The drunk guy says again, "I slept with your mom!!!"

The sober guys says again, "Yeah yeah yeah..."

Then for the third time the drunk guy says, " I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOM!!!"

The sober guys finally says,"Go home dad. You're drunk."

[Raven Rider]

We here in norway have a "little" more dirty version of that.

[Raven Rider]

Typical norwegian when...

...you order a double cheeseburger...and a diet coke

...the banks have their doors wode open, while their pens are chained to a desk

...a pizza is delievered faster than the ambulance comes


An 83 year old woman decided that she had seen everything that was worth in the world.
So she thought she could just end it all before the senility came.
For a long time she sat and wondered how it could end.
A bullet through the hear would be the fastest way.
But she didn't know where the heart was, so she called the doctor, who said:
-Ca. 5 centimeter below the left nipple.
Shortly afterwards she calls back and screams:
-Doctor, i shot myself in the left knee.


A small boy and a girl is together in the bath tub.
The girl stares fascinated on the thing between the boys legs and asks:
-Can i touch it?
The boy says:
-NO WAY, you already broke off yours


Fishin in florida:
A tourist was out in his boat and fished in florida.
The boat rolled around and he was thrown in the water.
Fortunately, he was a good swimmer, but the fear of alligators made him climb on the hull.
After a while he noticed a man on land, and asked:
-HEY, YOU, are there alligators here?
The other man said:
-No, we haven't seen them for years.
So the tourist jumped out and started swimming towards land.
Half way he stops and asked:
-How did you get rid of those alligators?
Man on land:
-We didn't do a damn thing, all the white sharks ate them.

[Psycho Man]

Quote: NO WAY, you already broke off yours

LMAO

[Ray Rules]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

--

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"

[thehodge]

doctor: John youll have to stop masturbating!
John: why is that doc?
Doctor: cause i want to examine you thats why!!

[renbergs]

I love this thread

[Raven Rider]

Kids of today:
Tre men sits and complains about their lazy sons.
-My son can't do 1 thing, come with me, i'll show you.
They walk into the room and saw a boy lying on the bed.
The old man said:
-I'll give you 100$ if you stand up.
Nothing happened.

Then they walk to the second old mans house, in the living room, a boy, was sleeping on the sofa.
His father said:
-I'll give you 100$ if you tie your fist.
Nothing happened.
-Bad, said the first.
-Wait till you see my son, said the third.

On to the next house, there they saw a boy sitting crying on the stairs.
His father asked:
-What's wrong?
He's son said:
-My balls hurts.
-You're balls? But, what happened? asked his father
-I'm sitting on them.

[renbergs]

The Story of Man's Creation!

God said to the donkey:
-Thou are a donkey! You will work hard all day long and be called stupid. You will live for 20 years.

The donkey said:
-Jeez, that doesn't sound like a very good life. Can't we cut down my life to 5 years?

And God accpepted the donkey's wish.

Then God created the dog.

He said:
-Thou shall be called "dog". You will live a life in submission, eat the left-overs and guard the house. You will live for 35 years.

The dog said:
-That doesn't sound like to much fun! Can't I be just 15 years old?

And God accepted the dog's wish.

After that God created the parrot.

He said:
-Thou shall be called "parrot". You will sit in a corner and repeat everything that's said, to great annoyance for everyone. You will live for 75 years.

The parrot said:
-It seems very tiresome... can't we say just 50 years?

And God accepted the parrot's wish.

Eventually God created the man.

God said:
-Thou are a human, a man! You will have a good life. You are wise and intelligent and you will rule the world. You will live for 20 years.

The man answered:
-That sounds like a really good life! But couldn't it be a little bit longer? (Now man for the first time shows his intelligence)
-Couldn't I have the 15 years the donkey didn't want, the 20 years the dog turned down and the 25 years that was left over from the parrot?

And God accepted the man's wish.

That's why a man lives a wonderful life until he's 20. Then he gets married and has to work hard all day long for 15 years and is called stupid. Then he has to completly submit to the family's demands, live on the left-overs and guard the house for 20 years. The last 25 years of his life he sits in a corner and repeat what everyone says, to great annoyance for all around him...

[Raven Rider]

Hehehehe
I've heard that before, still funny-

[renbergs]

The International Symbol of Marriage is approved:

[Raven Rider]

hahaha

[renbergs]

Originally Posted By: Ray Rules Renbergs, you always make my day with your jokes!

At your service, Ray!

[Ray Rules]

Let's heat up for tonight!

--


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A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.


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Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"

--------------

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

[Ray Rules]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[renbergs]

A family sits around the dinner table when the son asks his father:
- How many different kinds of breasts are there?
The Dad is a little surprised but answers:
- Well, my son, there three different kinds of breasts. In their 20's the women have breasts like melons, round and bouncy. About the age of 30 - 40 the breast are like pears, still nice but a bit hanging. After 50 their breasts are like onions.
- ONIONS???
- Yeah, when they catch your eye, they make you wanna cry.
This discussion got both the mother and the daughter to see red, so the daughter asks:
- Can I ask a private question, mum? How many different kinds of penises are there?
The mother smiles, looks at her husband, and replies:
- Well, my daughter, a man's penis goes through three different phases. I the 20's the man's penis is like an oak, handsome and hard. About 30 - 40 the penis is like a birch, flexible but still reliable. After 50 the penis is like a Christmas tree.
- CHRISTMAS TREE???
- Yes, dead from the root and the balls are only there for decoration.

[DiosSword]

How is a skanky old tart like a hockey goalie?

She changes her pad once every three periods...