Give us your jokes!

[MarcStitz]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached
her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I
do
know
you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and
frankly,
you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and
you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think
you're a
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount
to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the
room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He
can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
one
of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with
three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very
quiet
voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
both
to the
electric chair.'

[Ray Rules]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Good one, Marc!!!!

[BloodshtBass]

Originally Posted By: Ray Rules HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Good one, Marc!!!!

Couldn't agree more. I gotta remember THAT one.

[Raven Rider]

Jesus fucking christ, are you tryin to kill me, renbergs?

[renbergs]

On every man's wish-list for coming birthdays and christmases

[renbergs]

On every man's wish-list for coming birthdays and christmases

[renbergs]

A lady in her 50's went to a plastic surgeon thinking about maybe doing a face lift. The doctor told her about a brand new technique called "The screw".

-We put a little screw in your neck, in the hairline, which makes it completely covered by your hair. Then you can adjust and tighten the screw all by yourself. This way you can always feel smooth and young without further operations, explains the doctor.

It's a deal, the woman thought and had the operation.

About 15 years later the woman gets back to the doctor and make complaints about some side effects.

-First I want to say that I am very satisfied and I have done my share of adjusting the screw over the years. But now I have two major problems! One is that I have those dredful eye bags and the screw doesn't seem to make them go away?!

The doctor looks at her and says:

-That isn't eye bags! That's your breasts! You've been using the screw far to much!

-Aaah, says the woman, that explains my goatee!!!

[renbergs]

A lady in her 50's went to a plastic surgeon thinking about maybe doing a face lift. The doctor told her about a brand new technique called "The screw".

-We put a little screw in your neck, in the hairline, which makes it completely covered by your hair. Then you can adjust and tighten the screw all by yourself. This way you can always feel smooth and young without further operations, explains the doctor.

It's a deal, the woman thought and had the operation.

About 15 years later the woman gets back to the doctor and make complaints about some side effects.

-First I want to say that I am very satisfied and I have done my share of adjusting the screw over the years. But now I have two major problems! One is that I have those dredful eye bags and the screw doesn't seem to make them go away?!

The doctor looks at her and says:

-That isn't eye bags! That's your breasts! You've been using the screw far to much!

-Aaah, says the woman, that explains my goatee!!!

[David86]

A guy walks out of the clinic and gets approached by a robber, who threatens him with a gun: "your money or your life!" to which the guy responds: "Ah, so you're a doctor too!"
--
A guy is just about to die and tells his doctor: "Doctor, how much time do I have left?" "About an hour", the doctor tells him.
"Could you call my lawyer, please?" Says the patient. "Why? Do you want to make your Will?" "No, it's just that I always wanted to die like Jesus. Between two thieves!"
--
A man is on his deathbed, surrounded by the doctor, his lawyer and his wife. Everyone is just waiting for the final moment when, suddenly, the man opens his eyes and shouts "Murderer! Thief! Bitch!" "I think he's getting better" says the doctor. "He's recognised us all!"
--
"Doctor, do you think I could live 40 years more?"
"Do you smoke?"
"no"
"Do you party"
"no"
"Do you drink?"
"no"
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"no"
"Then why the fuck do you want to live 40 years more!?"
--
"Okay, from now on no more fancy restaurants, no more women, no more vacations, no more traveling, no more drinking or smoking!"
"Until I recover, doctor"
"Until you pay all you owe me!"

[MarcStitz]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel the madam takes
one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up
to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These
two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
they won't know the difference.

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and
take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, I think my
girl was dead!' 'Dead' says his friend, 'why do you say that?' '
Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'

His friend says, 'could be worse I think mine was a witch.' 'a witch
??. . Why the hell would you say that?' '
Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her
a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my
teeth with her!'

[MarcStitz]

[Raven Rider]

Aah, candybar?

[Franklin]

I am dying of laughter.

[MarcStitz]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue 'Viagra' pills.
The pharmacist asked, 'How many'? The man replied, 'Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.'

The pharmacist said, 'that's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.'

The old fellow said, 'Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes

[MarcStitz]

This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy


A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.


'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as
Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'

'What?' said his grandpa.

'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!'

[Franklin]

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[MarcStitz]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old California rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Barack Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said,'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said,'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just want to help the poor idiot get down.'

[DiosSword]

I actually heard this one in a church sermon.

A couple wants to get married, but they die in a car wreck the night before their wedding.

They get to Heaven, and ask St. Peter if they can marry in Heaven. He says, "I don't know...we've never had that question...I'll have to go check with The Boss."

He comes back and says "you can, but The Boss says you have to wait five years."

Five years later...the same request.

St. Peter says they have to wait five more years.

Five years later...the same request.

This time, The Boss assents. The couple marries.

Two days later...they come to St. Peter and say "this isn't working, we want a divorce."

St. Peter throws his hands up and exclaims, "What do you want of me?! It was hard enough finding a minister here to marry you, and now you want me to find a LAWYER?!"

[DiosSword]

I actually heard this one in a church sermon.

A couple wants to get married, but they die in a car wreck the night before their wedding.

They get to Heaven, and ask St. Peter if they can marry in Heaven. He says, "I don't know...we've never had that question...I'll have to go check with The Boss."

He comes back and says "you can, but The Boss says you have to wait five years."

Five years later...the same request.

St. Peter says they have to wait five more years.

Five years later...the same request.

This time, The Boss assents. The couple marries.

Two days later...they come to St. Peter and say "this isn't working, we want a divorce."

St. Peter throws his hands up and exclaims, "What do you want of me?! It was hard enough finding a minister here to marry you, and now you want me to find a LAWYER?!"

[MarcStitz]

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped! miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all..



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Ashley Dalby]

One day a man goes into a Catholic Church and after listening to the sermon he approoches the Priest saying, "Father I must tell you, that sermon kicked major ass"

Priest: "Thank you son but you may not use that kind of language here"

Man: "Sorry Father but it was too inspiring, had me fucking hooked"

(Angry) Priest: "Sir I will have to ask you to leave if you continue to talk so badly in this God's house"

Man: "Okay, okay, well I just wanted to that because the sermon was inspiring I put 500 dollars in the collection plate.

Priest: You fucking shitting me?

[paul hill]

I have a joke for you.


Guns n roses Chinese Democracy

And a new Sabbath cd with Ozzy.

Those make me laugh.

[renbergs]

At a big local government administration five cannibals are employed as administrators.

On their first day their boss says:
You now have work, you make good money and you can eat in our diner, so... leave the other staff members at peace! OK?!

The cannibals promised not to touch their colleagues.

After four weeks the boss turns up and asks:
One of our cleaning ladies is missing, do one of you have anything to do with that???

All the cannibals shake their heads and promises they have nothing to do with it.

Once the boss is gone, one of the cannibals turns to the others and says:
Alright, which one of you morons ate the cleaning lady???

The cannibal at the back answers in a low voice and with guilt in his face:
It was me...

You stupid asshole, says the first one. -For four weeks we've been eating area managers, team leaders, project leaders and IT-consultants and no one have noticed a thing and then YOU JUST HAD TO EAT THE CLEANING LADY!!!

[Ray Rules]

Originally Posted By: renbergs At a big local government administration five cannibals are employed as administrators.

On their first day their boss says:
You now have work, you make good money and you can eat in our diner, so... leave the other staff members at peace! OK?!

The cannibals promised not to touch their colleagues.

After four weeks the boss turns up and asks:
One of our cleaning ladies is missing, do one of you have anything to do with that???

All the cannibals shake their heads and promises they have nothing to do with it.

Once the boss is gone, one of the cannibals turns to the others and says:
Alright, which one of you morons ate the cleaning lady???

The cannibal at the back answers in a low voice and with guilt in his face:
It was me...

You stupid asshole, says the first one. -For four weeks we've been eating area managers, team leaders, project leaders and IT-consultants and no one have noticed a thing and then YOU JUST HAD TO EAT THE CLEANING LADY!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
We have one similar here in Brazil, but it involves the coffee guy!

[Ray Rules]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[renbergs]

The old Scottish Highland woman called the local newspaper:

-Aye, it's Edna. Angus died.

-Alright, said the newspaper man, so I take it you want to put out a notice of death in the paper?

-Aye!

-Well, what shall we put in it?

-Angus died!

-Nothing more???

-Nah, it's to expensive.

Knowing the old very Scottish woman, the newspaper man understood that he wouldn't convince her to pay for anything more, so he said:

-Look, I think that's just a little bit to unceremonious. I'll give you three more words to print, for free!!! What would you like them to be?

The old woman thought for a while and then she said:

-Horse for sale.

[Ray Rules]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[62_SG]

What do you call the hair between an old ladies tits?





Her pussy.



Old and unfunny (much like the aforementioned pussy)

[Franklin]

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

[Franklin]

Two young boys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young boys, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than some hard jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court on Monday morning, bright and early.”

The two boys were in court that Monday morning, and the judge asked the first one, “So, How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor,” he replied, “I persuaded 22 people to give up drugs forever.”

“22 people? That’s amazing. How’d you accomplish such a feat?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge.

“And you, how did you do?” he asked the second boy.

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 214 people to give up drugs forever.”

“214 people! That’s unbelievable! How on earth did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar approach,” he answered. “I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your asshole before you go to prison………..”

[Franklin]

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Franklin]

OK, I added three jokes. Let's have more jokes!

[Franklin]

One more.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

Bush nods: “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb shit, it’s Tony Blair!”

[Psycho Man]

Franklin you're killing me

[WarningRules]

OK, i got one that i thought was great.

So a guy dies and goes to hell.

When he gets down there, the Devil comes out and starts to show him around. After a short tour, the Devil asks "so... Do you do any drugs?"

The man answeres "yeah, i love drugs!"

The devil replies "Great, then you'll love fridays! What about smoking? Do you smoke?"

"I have since i was 14," replaies the man

"Oh, awesome, you'll love Saturdays." Replied the Devil. "What about gambling?"

"Of course! I've got the luck of the Irish." Said the man.

"Excellent, you'll love Sundays" Said the Deveil. "Are you gay?"

"Um, not so much" Said the man.

"Oh," Said the devil "that's not too good. You're really going to hate Mondays,".

[Ashley Dalby]

One day a man finds a genie lamp, rubs it, out pops the genie and says to the man,

"You may have but one wish, but beware that whatever you choose, your wife gets twice as much". For which the man responds,

"Oh That is EASY, I WISH I WAS BEATEN HALF TO DEATH"

[Ray Rules]

FEMALE WAXING

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal it she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions.

I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the shit out of my friend.

Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[Ray Rules]

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now."

"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him again.

Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered, "Listen, Charlie, old pal. I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

[Ray Rules]

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM :

1.Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2.Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3.This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.

4.The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5.Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

[Ray Rules]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!