Give us your jokes!

[Nero]

Q: How many kleptomaniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?

[renbergs]

These days, there are warnings printed on cigarette boxes. Shouldn't there be these warnings on beer bottles as well?

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol makes you believe you whisper, when you don't.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol has the effect that you look like a complete fool when you dance.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol makes you believe you can sing.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol makes you beleive that your ex-lover will die if you don't phone him/her at 4am in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the biggest reason for asphalt stains in your face and on your knees.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol can cause fantasies about you being harder, cooler, faster and better looking than all other people.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol makes you believe you're invisible.

[Ozzien82]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Ozzien82]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

It was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too.'

[Ozzien82]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man ays, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll
have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!"
says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[David86]

HAHA

[DiosSword]

Having been Air Force (Air National Guard), I've heard all sorts of inter-service rivalry jokes, but this one cuts it:

What's the difference in a platoon of Marines and a troop of Boy Scouts?

The Scouts have adult supervision!

[DiosSword]

Having been Air Force (Air National Guard), I've heard all sorts of inter-service rivalry jokes, but this one cuts it:

What's the difference in a platoon of Marines and a troop of Boy Scouts?

The Scouts have adult supervision!

[Ashley Dalby]

@ Ozzien82

[DiosSword]

Think back to the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky affair...

Instead of saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," what should have Clinton said?

"CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR!"

[Ray Rules]

You know you are a republican if:

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

Remember, fellows: all joke!

[Ray Rules]

Quick one:

Q: How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?

A: Put sheet music in from of him.

[David86]

Bwahahahaha

[BloodshtBass]

Originally Posted By: renbergs A family sits around the dinner table when the son asks his father:
- How many different kinds of breasts are there?
The Dad is a little surprised but answers:
- Well, my son, there three different kinds of breasts. In their 20's the women have breasts like melons, round and bouncy. About the age of 30 - 40 the breast are like pears, still nice but a bit hanging. After 50 their breasts are like onions.
- ONIONS???
- Yeah, when they catch your eye, they make you wanna cry.
This discussion got both the mother and the daughter to see red, so the daughter asks:
- Can I ask a private question, mum? How many different kinds of penises are there?
The mother smiles, looks at her husband, and replies:
- Well, my daughter, a man's penis goes through three different phases. I the 20's the man's penis is like an oak, handsome and hard. About 30 - 40 the penis is like a birch, flexible but still reliable. After 50 the penis is like a Christmas tree.
- CHRISTMAS TREE???
- Yes, dead from the root and the balls are only there for decoration.

Perhaps one of the greatest jokes I have ever heard. Seriously. Well done.

[Franklin]

Last night, over the dinner table at my mom's house, I got the best laughs with:

a) the blonde joke, about the one who moved from first class when the pilot told her the plane wasn't going to New York City

b) the one where the old couple take a trip on a helicopter, and $50 is $50

and c) the one where the dude and the ostrich go to the restaurant.

The biggest laugh came when my wife translated the helicopter joke to her mother in Spanish, but blew it and said the wife fell out of the helicopter before the punchline. YOU DON'T BLOW THE PUNCHLINE BY GIVING ALL THE EXPLANATION IN THE JOKE. We howled with laughter at her inability to tell the joke right, which was funnier than the joke itself.

[Ashley Dalby]

A Few More Oxy Morons:

Awfully Nice - Newer than New - Bigger Half - Born Dead - Boxing Ring - A 12-Ounce Pound Cake - Act Naturally - Anarchy Rules!
Anxious Patient - Awfully Good - Awfully Nice - Boneless Ribs -
Bright Night - Buffalo Wings - Clearly Misunderstood - Current History - Devout Atheist - Double Solitaire - Down Escalator - Exact Estimate - Extended Limits - Extinct Life - Found Missing -
Free Gift - Freezer Burn - Growing Smaller - Paid Volunteer - Partially Complete - Rap Artist - Young Adult -

Got to love One-Liners:

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

The workshop on procrastination has been canceled, as no-one got around to enrolling.

I never make misteaks.

87.5% of all statistics are made up.

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

The two rules for success are:
1. Never tell them everything you know.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it.

Speling is my favourite subject

I am not in denial!

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Being bored keeps me busy.

I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite.

Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.

If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 5%?

All generalizations are wrong

I swear to god i must be the only true optimist left on the planet.

My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none.

Always remember that you are a unique individual; just like everyone else.

I want to join the Optimist's Club, but they probably won't accept me.

I tried to be patient but it took too long

I am never mistaken. Well, once I was wrong because I thought I was wrong.

A self-referential comic strip (Daniel Lyons)

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." Stephen Wright, Canadian comedian. (Nicholas Csergo)

[DiosSword]

Why don't dumb blondes like having PMS?
They can't spell it.

Why do dumb blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More headroom.

If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions.

What do you call a blonde wearing a brunette wig?
Artificial intelligence.

[Mr. Haskins]

668 - The Neighbour Of The Beast.

[DiosSword]

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

[62_SG]

"You know why they have a cock on a weather vane? If they had a cunt up there the wind would go right through it" - George Carlin

[Psycho Man]

"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits, Fart, Turd, Twat, Crap, Balls, Prick, Asshole, Jackoff, Jerkoff, Scumbag, Douchebag, Hardon, Rod-on, Boner, Stiff, Pisshard, Blueballs, Nookie, Koose, Gash, Slash, Hole, Slit, Snatch, Box, Beaver, Pussy, Bearded Clam, Jism, Cum, Cream, Juice, Pecker, Peckerhead, Peckertracks, Dick, Dork, Dong, Donacker, Wang, Shlong, Schwantz, Pork, Crabs, Ass, Butt, Hiney, Tuchas, Bum, Buns, Cheeks, Screw, Lay, Diddle, Plow, Hump, Bang, Poke, Batter, Wham, Knock-up, Bugger, Brown, Juggs, Bazooms, Knockers, Knobs, Lungs, Balloons, Dildo, Joystick, Hairpie, Muff, Cornhole, Rimjob, Blowjob, Sugarbowl-pie, Suck-off, Give-head, Sit-on-my-face, Buttfuck, Fingerfuck, Clap, Kleek, 69, 71 which is 69 with 2 fingers up your ass, daisy chain, circle jerk, cockteaser, wet-dream, cunt-struck, pussywhipped, short-arm, tuna-taco, group-grope, milking-the-chicken, bulldagger, gangbang, ballbreaker, ballbuster, merkin, bananas and cream, up the old dirt road, around the world, beat-your-meat, whack-off, flogging your dong, pounding your pud, beating the bishop, poontang, dingleberry, sit on it, fudgepacker, milking the lizard, fart face, old fart, farting around fart sniffer, ream, snake, raincoat, quickie, queer, queen, putz, put-out, push, beef-injection, dog-style, pop your cookies, bust-your-nuts, one-eyed-monster, knob, pocket pool, tail, piddle, paddle the pickle, one-man-band, snapper, notch, rod, shaft, stick, piece of ass, god damn it, pimp, fucker, punk, faggot, dyke, lezzie, box-lunch, sea-food, hand-job, hammer, hatch, head-job, hot-nuts, hum-job, prong, jellyroll, jerk-the-gerkin, lob, meat whistle, cheese, scat fan, middle-leg, wanking, booty, love-muscle, snapping pussy, ghost, bitch, bastard, clam, bite the brown, going up mustard road, bone-on, bush, button, cunt-lapper, cherry, tool, dingus, quiff, quim, get off, joint, piece, stem, root, crack, cooch, crud, eat me, fuck you, up your ass, get laid, fuck-off, piss-off, piss on you, stick it, stuff it, ram it, jam it, cram it, horny, peter, the one eyed wonder worm, piece-of-ass, little brown eyeball, golden showers, pound cake, boy in the boat, brown eye, brown nose, sloppy seconds, Mongolian cluster fuck, rod of love, copping a feel, copping a cherry, copping a joint, on the rag, flying the flag, riding the cotton pony, dipping your wick, going down on, dry hump, fist fuck, skin-flute, French job, furburger, nuts, get your rocks off, get in, get it up, hung, ginch, gobble, dieseldock, rubber, shoot, diesel dyke that was, siff, wad, cocksman, tit-fuck, tongue, rough-trade, trick, weenie, and yodeling in the gully."
-Carlin On Campus

[Ray Rules]

We should aply a new rule here Use George Carlin's divine jokes are forbide here... Because... hell, any other joke would be no funny at all

[Mr. Haskins]

Originally Posted By: Psycho Man "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits, Fart, Turd, Twat, Crap, Balls, Prick, Asshole, Jackoff, Jerkoff, Scumbag, Douchebag, Hardon, Rod-on, Boner, Stiff, Pisshard, Blueballs, Nookie, Koose, Gash, Slash, Hole, Slit, Snatch, Box, Beaver, Pussy, Bearded Clam, Jism, Cum, Cream, Juice, Pecker, Peckerhead, Peckertracks, Dick, Dork, Dong, Donacker, Wang, Shlong, Schwantz, Pork, Crabs, Ass, Butt, Hiney, Tuchas, Bum, Buns, Cheeks, Screw, Lay, Diddle, Plow, Hump, Bang, Poke, Batter, Wham, Knock-up, Bugger, Brown, Juggs, Bazooms, Knockers, Knobs, Lungs, Balloons, Dildo, Joystick, Hairpie, Muff, Cornhole, Rimjob, Blowjob, Sugarbowl-pie, Suck-off, Give-head, Sit-on-my-face, Buttfuck, Fingerfuck, Clap, Kleek, 69, 71 which is 69 with 2 fingers up your ass, daisy chain, circle jerk, cockteaser, wet-dream, cunt-struck, pussywhipped, short-arm, tuna-taco, group-grope, milking-the-chicken, bulldagger, gangbang, ballbreaker, ballbuster, merkin, bananas and cream, up the old dirt road, around the world, beat-your-meat, whack-off, flogging your dong, pounding your pud, beating the bishop, poontang, dingleberry, sit on it, fudgepacker, milking the lizard, fart face, old fart, farting around fart sniffer, ream, snake, raincoat, quickie, queer, queen, putz, put-out, push, beef-injection, dog-style, pop your cookies, bust-your-nuts, one-eyed-monster, knob, pocket pool, tail, piddle, paddle the pickle, one-man-band, snapper, notch, rod, shaft, stick, piece of ass, god damn it, pimp, fucker, punk, faggot, dyke, lezzie, box-lunch, sea-food, hand-job, hammer, hatch, head-job, hot-nuts, hum-job, prong, jellyroll, jerk-the-gerkin, lob, meat whistle, cheese, scat fan, middle-leg, wanking, booty, love-muscle, snapping pussy, ghost, bitch, bastard, clam, bite the brown, going up mustard road, bone-on, bush, button, cunt-lapper, cherry, tool, dingus, quiff, quim, get off, joint, piece, stem, root, crack, cooch, crud, eat me, fuck you, up your ass, get laid, fuck-off, piss-off, piss on you, stick it, stuff it, ram it, jam it, cram it, horny, peter, the one eyed wonder worm, piece-of-ass, little brown eyeball, golden showers, pound cake, boy in the boat, brown eye, brown nose, sloppy seconds, Mongolian cluster fuck, rod of love, copping a feel, copping a cherry, copping a joint, on the rag, flying the flag, riding the cotton pony, dipping your wick, going down on, dry hump, fist fuck, skin-flute, French job, furburger, nuts, get your rocks off, get in, get it up, hung, ginch, gobble, dieseldock, rubber, shoot, diesel dyke that was, siff, wad, cocksman, tit-fuck, tongue, rough-trade, trick, weenie, and yodeling in the gully."
-Carlin On Campus

Was that really worth the 40 minutes it must have taken to type that lot?

[devilmaycare]

Old man goes to the doctor for his annual check up. His nagging wife goes with him. "Everything seems fine Mr Osbourne" says the doc... "We just need to get samples of your blood, urine, semen, and feces"

"Eh?" says the old geezer "What you say?"

"We need some samples" says the Doc patiently "We need to take some blood, and get semen, urine & stool samples from you"

"Don't mumble! What do you want?" says the old codger

"WE NEED SAMPLES" says the doc, straining not to lose his temper "WE NEED BLOOD, PEE, A POO SAMPLE - AND - YOU KNOW - CUM... SAMPLES!!"

"What?" yells the old man "What are you talking about??"

Finally the old fella's wife loses it...

"OH! FER FUCK'S SAKE OZZY!" she yells "JUST BRING HIM YOUR PAJAMAS!!"

[devilmaycare]

Old man goes to the doctor for his annual check up. His nagging wife goes with him. "Everything seems fine Mr Osbourne" says the doc... "We just need to get samples of your blood, urine, semen, and feces"

"Eh?" says the old geezer "What you say?"

"We need some samples" says the Doc patiently "We need to take some blood, and get semen, urine & stool samples from you"

"Don't mumble! What do you want?" says the old codger

"WE NEED SAMPLES" says the doc, straining not to lose his temper "WE NEED BLOOD, PEE, A POO SAMPLE - AND - YOU KNOW - CUM... SAMPLES!!"

"What?" yells the old man "What are you talking about??"

Finally the old fella's wife loses it...

"OH! FER FUCK'S SAKE OZZY!" she yells "JUST BRING HIM YOUR PAJAMAS!!"

[DiosSword]

What's the difference in a rooster and Paris Hilton?

A rooster says "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"

Paris says, "any cock'll do."

[Psycho Man]

Originally Posted By: Mr. Haskins Was that really worth the 40 minutes it must have taken to type that lot?

I wouldn't spend that much time typing, copy cut and paste dude...

[DiosSword]

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he spots a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then lays him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys, I'm leaving early!"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

[Nero]

Not exactly "My joke" but I saw this on the internet and thought it was pretty funny.

<span style="text-decoration: underline"><span style="font-weight: bold">If Your Ex-Girlfriend Had An IMDB Page:</span></span>

[David86]

hahahahaha

[IommiRules]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some
distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on
back roads some distance from town, when the girl
stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this
earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20
for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did
their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in
the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren't
we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should
have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab
driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

---------------------------------------------------------------

Igor Morgan buys several sheep, hoping to breed them
for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none
of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for
help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination. Igor doesn't have the slightest idea
what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the
sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and
wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

Ivor hangs up the phone and gives it some thought. He
comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination
means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads
the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and
goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them
in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find
the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load
them up and drive them out to the woods. Ivor spends
all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself
from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife
to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying
in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the
truck and one of them is honking the horn."

------------------------------------------------------

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the
Empire State Building. One turns to the other and
says: "You know, last week I discovered that if
you jump from the top of this building, by the time
you fall to the 10th floor the winds around the
building are so intense that they carry you around
the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval
while wiping the bar.

The second man says: "What are you, a nut? There's no
way in hell that could happen."

First man: "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you."

So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony,
and careens to the street below. When he passes the
10th floor, the high wind whips him around the
building and back into the 10th floor window where he
takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second man tells him: "You know, I saw that with
my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time
fluke."

First man: "No, I'll prove it again." Again he jumps
and hurtles towards the street where the 10th floor
wind gently carries him around the building and into
the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow
drinker to try it.

Second man: "Well, what the hell, it works, so I'll
try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges
downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors.....
and hits the sidewalk with a "SPLAT."

Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other
drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole
when you're drunk."

[KiloDeltaCharlie]

Culled these from a few messages I've recieved recently. Hope no one is offended by any of them ... actually, I'm more concerned by people not gettig some of them for cultural reasons!


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"Don't do that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you". She said "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied
"It's me talking to the beer."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[IommiRules]

Dennis Wolfberg, died way to young.


http://youtu.be/INhL0MYhOOI


If you are 40+, you will love this.

[Franklin]

I copied a couple of KiloDeltaCharlie's jokes to my facebook page and fellow Black-Sabbath.com member Niklas responded with the following excellent joke that I now shall share with you:

The Man came home from work. "Hey honey, pack your bags, I've won on the lottery! The wife said "Oh lovely! Where are we going, Bahamas, Barbados?" The man said "No, you're moving out"

[IommiRules]

A guy walks into a bar. Sign behind the bartender says, Hand jobs $10. Cheese Sandwich $2. He says to the bartender, "Excuse me miss, are you the lady who gives the hand jobs???" "Well, yes I am sugar." "Great! Now wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!!!"

[KiloDeltaCharlie]

A nurse at a mental institute was walking by Fred's room. She looked in and noticed that he looked like he was driving an imaginary car.
"How's it going today, Fred?" she asked.
He replied "Fantastic! I'm driving to Florida!"
"OK", she responded, "Have a nice trip!"
The next day she looked into his room and noticed him wiping his brow and acting exhausted.
"You OK, Fred?" she asked.
"Yep!", he replied, "Just made it here, gotta unpack and relax."
Across the hall, she checked on his neighbor, Chip. She noticed that he was masturbating.
"Chip!", she exclaimed, "What are you doing?!?"
"SHHH....I'm screwing Fred's wife while he's in Florida!"

[KiloDeltaCharlie]

Some jokes just emailed to me :

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the County Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

The global recession has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

[IommiRules]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and
had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of
his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver
money from home, he offered him his credit card
numbers, his drivers license number his address, etc.
but to no avail. The cabby said "If you don't have
$15, get the hell out of my cab!". So the businessman
was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely
in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long
and hard to regain his financial success, returned to
Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good
about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well,
who should he see out there, at the end of a long line
of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him
a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he
could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he
hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line,
"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks" came the reply. "And how much for you
to give me oral sex during the way?" "WHAT?!" Get the
hell out of my cab, you scum!".

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the
long line and asked the same questions, with the same
result --getting kicked out of each cab.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the
line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?" The cabby replied "Fifteen bucks".

The businessman said, "O.K." and off they went. Then,
as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs,
the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to
each driver.

[-E5150 StarWanderer-]

^ Brilliant jokes, KiloDeltaCharlie and IommiRules!

[KiloDeltaCharlie]

I was just doing some house keeping on my Inbox and came across these jokes I was sent about 6 months ago.


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it ... I thought to myself, "those idiots have lost the plot!"

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
Sod that I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.