Well... first of all this is quite far from my style so others might find it better than me. Honestly my thoughts are that it sounds a bit dull and generic, kind of like Rainbow's "All Night Long" combined with Pink Floyd's "Summer '68". So yeah, the content is really not my thing, moving on to how you construct the sentences.
I can hear a melody in my head as I read it, so I guess you have one in mind (maybe not the same as me, but it's clearly constructed with a melody in mind) and that's good. Some of the word choices are better than others imo, for example "we always leave at the break of first light" is much better than "For a concert you haft (spelling? :S) to truck a heavy load". I can't really explain what I want more of, but the words really don't seem to flow well in some parts. Another example would be the ending, I think saying something like "But now I can feel the break of dawn", "Now I can see the break of dawn", "Still dawn comes and takes you away" or whatever, not "But now it's the dawn" (maybe "But now it's dawn"?). You got some more sentences like that, they feel a bit strange and for me, compared with the frankly not-so-interesting content makes quite a weak song lyric.
Again, not my style so don't listen to me as much as to others who like music like this. All I can say is that some stuff here has got potential, but it needs some work for that potential to become something more.